Childhood Days of Mine

Growing up where I did, and having what happened to me is all sad and that. I haven’t always been the lifestyle I live now. This is all because I had that dream of my puppy love boyfriend marring me, settling down and have some kids of our own. Well, that is all good and what so ever, yet that isn’t what happened.  In all honesty that isn’t what I am writing about.  You see, growing up I had a friend that I considered t6o be my best friend of all the friends I did have, which wasn’t many.  She was pretty in my eyes back then, but not in the wrong way of thinking, cause I was to busy being in my puppy love.

Upon the occurrences that happened in my life that presume to form and change my feelings of marriage, children and all those things.  I swayed to the other side.  Well you see my friend growing up discovered this about me, and shied away from me and our friendship.  Yes. I am a lesbian. and I guess she is homophobic. I have never thought of her in the wrong manner and have the up most respect for her, just because she was my best friend growing up.

What really gets me is she is a wonderful person, and I imagine a terrific mother also, of course I don’t know if I will ever have a friendship with her again.  I just wish she wasn’t so homophobic of me cause that would just be wrong for me to think or try anything with her.

You see I’m going on another trip of mine and going to be back in the home state and city. I would love to just sit and visit with her, just as friends cause that is all we can ever be is friends.

 

Written for the friendship I once had and would like to have again. Even if our friendship isn’t to continue then I do wish to say, “Thank You Wendy Dutel for being my friend back then, now, and forever.”

 

STUPID THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD

Seriously hurt but not dead. My day could be going great and I’m standing waiting on a bus. Watching traffic going by, my thoughts take over. Hum, the small cars, would I hit and fly over them only to be run over by the next car. Then as the SUV’s pass by my mind wonders if I would get struck in the grill or thrown free to be run over by another car. Then a big rig, monster truck, or bus passes by, and my mind kicks into full gear. It wonders one thing and one thing only. How much would the initial impact hurt as I would step out into traffic. Thankfully it is just stupid thoughts running through my head and not in my heart.

For my Daughter Delya

As we chatted on the day I was suppose to see you, I felt like you were defending Cathy.  I was not attacking her.  I am grateful for her being in your life, I am grateful she allowed me to show up and see you unannounced throughout the years, I am grateful she loves you enough to let us know each other, I am grateful that you have turned eighteen and still under her roof. I can go on about the things I am grateful for , yet you spoke to me of respect.  I know how to respect other people, for where and how I was raised is way different then the California ways. Which brings me to something else I am grateful for, I am grateful for you being raise in a small town. There has only been one time that we visited where we did not have adult supervision, that was the night you learned who I really am to you.  Not trying to be cruel, but have you been told of how you came to be adopted?  You were turning 18 months old and they wanted full adoption of you. What sealed the deal for me to sign the paper work with the judge is that if I did not then they were going to put you back into the system.  I just could not allow these people, as sweet as they seemed, to put you into the system. I mean, after all they had you since you were three days old. Signing that piece of paper releasing you to they was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So, let me ask you…Do they love you as much as you love them? I believe they do. Have you always been clothed, fed, and a roof over your head? I know this to be true. Do you feel you have been raised where you don’t have any regrets being adopted? This, I again, believe you were raised proper. I am not looking to cause any friction between any of us, so telling me something said by Cathy that may be in a negative content towards me, about me, or of me…then I don’t need to know it. I have worked real hard to achieve the things I have and looking forward to accomplishing my future goals I set for myself.  I traveled 1/2 around the world. I did this myself for Christmas last year….last year for my birthday I went sky diving…..this year for Christmas I bought myself a car (a really nice car)….and for this years birthday I am taking a Nationwide trip with many stops a long the way while looking to fly out to Scotland. Twice a year every year I give myself a present. Working on each time the next one being better than the last present. I believe in myself, and really don’t care if any one else believes in me, because I do. I am a responsible person who does pay my own bills. How else would I have been to live 12 years in one house with 1/2 that time living a lone, and 7 years in the apartment I am residing in now?

A Love I Still Have

This is for a love I carry deep within my heart.

Giving me the inspiration to stay out of the dark.

Stiring some feelings that are deep inside of me.

Scaring me enough I think I must flee.

Seeing it as the easiest path to take.

Yet knowing that isn’t part of my fate.

Learning to take whatever life throws at me.

All the while not wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Even though we may each feel different about us.

Only builds hope for more to discuss.

Giving up and going our separate ways.

Has given me many sadden days.

Leaving with my head feeling bent.

Putting my chin in my chest and leaving a dent.

Priding myself on holding my head up high.

Even though there are many days I wish I would just die.

I know stronger is the way to be.

Some days are harder just for me to be me.

Feelings of the darkness pour all around.

I will still walk with my feet firm on the ground.

9-6-2015

Really Looking At Our Choices in the 2015 Presidental Election

Whether or not we see it is the questions I ask.  Many do not know of the good things that came from the Clinton administration when Bill was in office.  We just focus on that bad thing that happened. How many of us know that since the Regan administration up to the Obama administration, that within those years we only had eight years of peace?

Not extinct but could become if we do not choose wisely.

Not extinct but could become if we do not choose wisely.

That means that within forty years there was a period of eight years where not only did we have peace in the United States, but there was peace worldwide.

Sure somewhere in the world there is going to be some kind of conflict, yet if we do not stop and take a look at what we are doing to our planet then we won’t have to worry about who is in conflict with who because we won’t have a world to live on. Where is the focus on the pollution of our water and lands? Who is focusing on whether or not we have safe water to drink? Who is looking at stopping other countries from polluting their land and water that  indirectly affects the rest of the world.

We really need to stop bashing Hillary in pettiness of e-mails and whether or not she is comfortable answering questions which indirectly do not benefit the world.  We need someone who is concern with what is happening with our environment and focus on reversing the damage we, ourselves, have caused upon this world we live on.