Feels like a slap in the face for something I had no control over,and is blamed for not feeling the same way.

First of all we are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, words, and/or actions of others.

Secondly, Just because someone feels a certain way towards someone doesn’t mean that I have to feel the same way.

Thirdly, Getting to why I stated the first two comments is due to my Mother, and the way she feels towards certain family members of mine. I say it the way I do because she birth me into the family.  Hating the in-laws for what ever reasons that may be, yet none of the reasons for hating them is because of me.

Is it right for someone (anyone) to get angry at another because that preson doesn’t feel the same way. Well just because there is conflict, for whatever reason does not mean that conflict is valid for everyone.

To get to the point, my mother wishes for me to hate my Grandmother, Grandfather, my Uncle, and my Daddy. All because she has had some conflict or another with them. I did not have the conflict she had with them, therefore I do not feel the same way she does, and because I do not feel the same as she does towards my family members. She becomes angry with me.

I ask if she wishes for me to be angry at the family she birthed me into, and I get the feeling she does want me to hate them as she does. Well I won’t, they haven’t done the things she accuses them of doing to me, other than speak openly how they feel my brother is not my fathers’ so. Not words I speak, but spoken by the in-laws.

So, I ask and she responds as if I should feel as she does. How can I hate part of my family that has not done the damage that my parents allowed done to me.? Shouldn’t I be hating them for allowing things to happen when it could have been stopped?

We all have our reasons for disliking this person or that person, yet when you press upon someone else to feel the same way you do towards a person, especially in anger, then you are not being fair to the other persons feeling. Then to punish them in some way because they don’t feel the same as you, isn’t that a bit childish and a bunch of rubbish….



Childhood Days of Mine

Growing up where I did, and having what happened to me is all sad and that. I haven’t always been the lifestyle I live now. This is all because I had that dream of my puppy love boyfriend marring me, settling down and have some kids of our own. Well, that is all good and what so ever, yet that isn’t what happened.  In all honesty that isn’t what I am writing about.  You see, growing up I had a friend that I considered t6o be my best friend of all the friends I did have, which wasn’t many.  She was pretty in my eyes back then, but not in the wrong way of thinking, cause I was to busy being in my puppy love.

Upon the occurrences that happened in my life that presume to form and change my feelings of marriage, children and all those things.  I swayed to the other side.  Well you see my friend growing up discovered this about me, and shied away from me and our friendship.  Yes. I am a lesbian. and I guess she is homophobic. I have never thought of her in the wrong manner and have the up most respect for her, just because she was my best friend growing up.

What really gets me is she is a wonderful person, and I imagine a terrific mother also, of course I don’t know if I will ever have a friendship with her again.  I just wish she wasn’t so homophobic of me cause that would just be wrong for me to think or try anything with her.

You see I’m going on another trip of mine and going to be back in the home state and city. I would love to just sit and visit with her, just as friends cause that is all we can ever be is friends.


Written for the friendship I once had and would like to have again. Even if our friendship isn’t to continue then I do wish to say, “Thank You Wendy Dutel for being my friend back then, now, and forever.”



Seriously hurt but not dead. My day could be going great and I’m standing waiting on a bus. Watching traffic going by, my thoughts take over. Hum, the small cars, would I hit and fly over them only to be run over by the next car. Then as the SUV’s pass by my mind wonders if I would get struck in the grill or thrown free to be run over by another car. Then a big rig, monster truck, or bus passes by, and my mind kicks into full gear. It wonders one thing and one thing only. How much would the initial impact hurt as I would step out into traffic. Thankfully it is just stupid thoughts running through my head and not in my heart.

For my Daughter Delya

As we chatted on the day I was suppose to see you, I felt like you were defending Cathy.  I was not attacking her.  I am grateful for her being in your life, I am grateful she allowed me to show up and see you unannounced throughout the years, I am grateful she loves you enough to let us know each other, I am grateful that you have turned eighteen and still under her roof. I can go on about the things I am grateful for , yet you spoke to me of respect.  I know how to respect other people, for where and how I was raised is way different then the California ways. Which brings me to something else I am grateful for, I am grateful for you being raise in a small town. There has only been one time that we visited where we did not have adult supervision, that was the night you learned who I really am to you.  Not trying to be cruel, but have you been told of how you came to be adopted?  You were turning 18 months old and they wanted full adoption of you. What sealed the deal for me to sign the paper work with the judge is that if I did not then they were going to put you back into the system.  I just could not allow these people, as sweet as they seemed, to put you into the system. I mean, after all they had you since you were three days old. Signing that piece of paper releasing you to they was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So, let me ask you…Do they love you as much as you love them? I believe they do. Have you always been clothed, fed, and a roof over your head? I know this to be true. Do you feel you have been raised where you don’t have any regrets being adopted? This, I again, believe you were raised proper. I am not looking to cause any friction between any of us, so telling me something said by Cathy that may be in a negative content towards me, about me, or of me…then I don’t need to know it. I have worked real hard to achieve the things I have and looking forward to accomplishing my future goals I set for myself.  I traveled 1/2 around the world. I did this myself for Christmas last year….last year for my birthday I went sky diving…..this year for Christmas I bought myself a car (a really nice car)….and for this years birthday I am taking a Nationwide trip with many stops a long the way while looking to fly out to Scotland. Twice a year every year I give myself a present. Working on each time the next one being better than the last present. I believe in myself, and really don’t care if any one else believes in me, because I do. I am a responsible person who does pay my own bills. How else would I have been to live 12 years in one house with 1/2 that time living a lone, and 7 years in the apartment I am residing in now?

A Love I Still Have

This is for a love I carry deep within my heart.

Giving me the inspiration to stay out of the dark.

Stiring some feelings that are deep inside of me.

Scaring me enough I think I must flee.

Seeing it as the easiest path to take.

Yet knowing that isn’t part of my fate.

Learning to take whatever life throws at me.

All the while not wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Even though we may each feel different about us.

Only builds hope for more to discuss.

Giving up and going our separate ways.

Has given me many sadden days.

Leaving with my head feeling bent.

Putting my chin in my chest and leaving a dent.

Priding myself on holding my head up high.

Even though there are many days I wish I would just die.

I know stronger is the way to be.

Some days are harder just for me to be me.

Feelings of the darkness pour all around.

I will still walk with my feet firm on the ground.


Really Looking At Our Choices in the 2015 Presidental Election

Whether or not we see it is the questions I ask.  Many do not know of the good things that came from the Clinton administration when Bill was in office.  We just focus on that bad thing that happened. How many of us know that since the Regan administration up to the Obama administration, that within those years we only had eight years of peace?

Not extinct but could become if we do not choose wisely.

Not extinct but could become if we do not choose wisely.

That means that within forty years there was a period of eight years where not only did we have peace in the United States, but there was peace worldwide.

Sure somewhere in the world there is going to be some kind of conflict, yet if we do not stop and take a look at what we are doing to our planet then we won’t have to worry about who is in conflict with who because we won’t have a world to live on. Where is the focus on the pollution of our water and lands? Who is focusing on whether or not we have safe water to drink? Who is looking at stopping other countries from polluting their land and water that  indirectly affects the rest of the world.

We really need to stop bashing Hillary in pettiness of e-mails and whether or not she is comfortable answering questions which indirectly do not benefit the world.  We need someone who is concern with what is happening with our environment and focus on reversing the damage we, ourselves, have caused upon this world we live on.

Story A, B, and C inserts (The Life of Char Carradine)

Story A

We met for my visit at JC Penny cause Kathy needed to do some shopping.  So Kathy is going about her shopping while I had Delya.  As I watched Kathy get lost in her shopping, I notice she had realized she had lost track of me and Delya.  She looks up , to her right , and then to her left where Delya and I stood there watching her.  Seeing the sign of relief that I did not take a chance and run off with Delya., What life would that have brought for my daughter.  That was the day she knew that in spite of the CPS office, she could trust me not to run off with my daughter.

Story B

Teresa (who is no longer with us in this world) and I took Teresa’s one and only visit to the Devine’s home to visit with Delya. After about an hour and a half, I watched Delya and Teresa interact with each other at the piano. I could not tell what they were talking about as  I watched them through a sliding glass door. Later that evening Teresa talked to me about her visit she had with Delya at the piano. She told me Delya was telling her about the keys on the piano and what sounds they make when the keys are pushed. Also how when more than one key is pushed together what sounds they would make. Although I heard no music that day, I couldn’t help but be proud of my daughter around the age of four not only playing the piano for Teresa, but explains the piano to Teresa as she played. Seeing the expression on Teresa’s face as she explained the event to me . I couldn’t help but be proud and impressed with my baby girl.

Story C

There are two times in the interactions of Jason and I which he showed me the love that only a child could show. (There are many more but these two stand out the most for me)  There were times when I would be gone for more than a month or two, and when I would return to his homestead. The expression on his face and actions when he’d see me truly showed me the love of a child, and that I was truly missed. The first time that I knew he missed me and was surprised to see me is when I walked in the door. He did not know I was there when he came out of the back room just in a world of his own. Suddenly he freezes where he was, looks up at me, and says with the softest affectionate voice says my name. The way he said it warmed my heart. Then leaping into my arms showed me even more that I was missed.

The 2nd time was when I was pregnant with Delya and returned home to Louisiana for two weeks.  Now Jason knows I was taking the train to where I was going and I guess he assumed that was the way I was getting home also.  Now where he was living at the time the freight train passes by his home anywhere from 6 to 8 times a day. I was gone  from 13 to 17 days and was told that just about every time the train went by , Jason would point at the train and say , “Char, Train< Char”. It did not matter if it was day or night and if the train woke him up he would ask about me and the train, if I was on the one passing by.  I will always love Jason for giving his love. “I love you high like the sky and deep like the sea.” Well, Jason, I will always love you like that…