HELLO!

ANYONE!!!! HELLO ANYONE READING??? Are we paying attention to what is going on or are we stuck in the fate of the predictions of Nostradamus? Do we still have time to turn things around? Quit criticizing Hillary Clinton, cause looking back when Bill was in office for those eight years, (from Nixon until now) 45 years. Within those 45 years we not only had peace in the United States, but the world within itself was peaceful during those eight years. THINK ABOUT IT! If you are registered to vote then vote next year, and if you are not registered to vote then get registered. I’m a firm believer in Hillary. Without her in office, I feel we have no future. Vote! Vote! Vote for Hillary! Vote! Vote! Thank you for your time to read this post.

Not Giving Up

There is a love I carry deep within my heart,
Giving me my inspiration to keep out of the dark.
Feelings stirring deep within me,
Scaring me enough that I feel that I must flee.
Knowing that is only the easiest path to take,
Which doesn’t seem to be my fate.
Learning to take whatever life throws at me,,
All the while not wearing my heart on my sleeve.
The one I carry deep inside my heart
Feels something different about us
This builds hope that we will discuss.
Giving up and parting our ways
Gave me many sadder days.
Doing my best not to show my head wasn’t bent,
Put my chin in my chest and left a dent.
Without help I could not have held my head up so high,
Even through those days, I just wished to die.
I know stronger is the way to be,
Some days are still hard just for me to see.
Even though the dark days may pour all around.
I still walk with my feet firmly planted on the ground.

I wrote this 9-6-2015

A Love I Still Have

This is for a love I carry deep within my heart.

Giving me the inspiration to stay out of the dark.

Stiring some feelings that are deep inside of me.

Scaring me enough I think I must flee.

Seeing it as the easiest path to take.

Yet knowing that isn’t part of my fate.

Learning to take whatever life throws at me.

All the while not wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Even though we may each feel different about us.

Only builds hope for more to discuss.

Giving up and going our separate ways.

Has given me many sadden days.

Leaving with my head feeling bent.

Putting my chin in my chest and leaving a dent.

Priding myself on holding my head up high.

Even though there are many days I wish I would just die.

I know stronger is the way to be.

Some days are harder just for me to be me.

Feelings of the darkness pour all around.

I will still walk with my feet firm on the ground.

9-6-2015

Really Looking At Our Choices in the 2015 Presidental Election

Whether or not we see it is the questions I ask.  Many do not know of the good things that came from the Clinton administration when Bill was in office.  We just focus on that bad thing that happened. How many of us know that since the Regan administration up to the Obama administration, that within those years we only had eight years of peace?

Not extinct but could become if we do not choose wisely.

Not extinct but could become if we do not choose wisely.

That means that within forty years there was a period of eight years where not only did we have peace in the United States, but there was peace worldwide.

Sure somewhere in the world there is going to be some kind of conflict, yet if we do not stop and take a look at what we are doing to our planet then we won’t have to worry about who is in conflict with who because we won’t have a world to live on. Where is the focus on the pollution of our water and lands? Who is focusing on whether or not we have safe water to drink? Who is looking at stopping other countries from polluting their land and water that  indirectly affects the rest of the world.

We really need to stop bashing Hillary in pettiness of e-mails and whether or not she is comfortable answering questions which indirectly do not benefit the world.  We need someone who is concern with what is happening with our environment and focus on reversing the damage we, ourselves, have caused upon this world we live on.

Story A, B, and C inserts (The Life of Char Carradine)

Story A

We met for my visit at JC Penny cause Kathy needed to do some shopping.  So Kathy is going about her shopping while I had Delya.  As I watched Kathy get lost in her shopping, I notice she had realized she had lost track of me and Delya.  She looks up , to her right , and then to her left where Delya and I stood there watching her.  Seeing the sign of relief that I did not take a chance and run off with Delya., What life would that have brought for my daughter.  That was the day she knew that in spite of the CPS office, she could trust me not to run off with my daughter.

Story B

Teresa (who is no longer with us in this world) and I took Teresa’s one and only visit to the Devine’s home to visit with Delya. After about an hour and a half, I watched Delya and Teresa interact with each other at the piano. I could not tell what they were talking about as  I watched them through a sliding glass door. Later that evening Teresa talked to me about her visit she had with Delya at the piano. She told me Delya was telling her about the keys on the piano and what sounds they make when the keys are pushed. Also how when more than one key is pushed together what sounds they would make. Although I heard no music that day, I couldn’t help but be proud of my daughter around the age of four not only playing the piano for Teresa, but explains the piano to Teresa as she played. Seeing the expression on Teresa’s face as she explained the event to me . I couldn’t help but be proud and impressed with my baby girl.

Story C

There are two times in the interactions of Jason and I which he showed me the love that only a child could show. (There are many more but these two stand out the most for me)  There were times when I would be gone for more than a month or two, and when I would return to his homestead. The expression on his face and actions when he’d see me truly showed me the love of a child, and that I was truly missed. The first time that I knew he missed me and was surprised to see me is when I walked in the door. He did not know I was there when he came out of the back room just in a world of his own. Suddenly he freezes where he was, looks up at me, and says with the softest affectionate voice says my name. The way he said it warmed my heart. Then leaping into my arms showed me even more that I was missed.

The 2nd time was when I was pregnant with Delya and returned home to Louisiana for two weeks.  Now Jason knows I was taking the train to where I was going and I guess he assumed that was the way I was getting home also.  Now where he was living at the time the freight train passes by his home anywhere from 6 to 8 times a day. I was gone  from 13 to 17 days and was told that just about every time the train went by , Jason would point at the train and say , “Char, Train< Char”. It did not matter if it was day or night and if the train woke him up he would ask about me and the train, if I was on the one passing by.  I will always love Jason for giving his love. “I love you high like the sky and deep like the sea.” Well, Jason, I will always love you like that…

Still Alive in Here

So here I am more important than I actually Have
felt I was worth.Life has sowed me many different
possibilities, especially when I unexpectedly 
cross path with someone from my past, and hear 
them speak highly of me. I still carry those same
morals and those principles. This always 
enlightens my heart, and tears at my  Soul.
Wishing I knew who I was then all the while
Knowing I am that same person I was then. An 
emptiness has always been within me as far as I 
can remember life. Seeing it in the past photos 
taken of myself. Making me convince myself
future pictures shall consciously show a spark. 
Days can be harder to exist inside my eyes than
others. Optimism remains to be the driving force
of my life.   

The life of Char Carradine

   Found a pen and some paper.  It does not matter how I look at it, it just does not matter.  You can be mad at me till the end of time.  Do you know that I will continue to love you no matter what?  No matter what, don’t you think that is something amazing?  I have no desire to be your love, just wish to have my best friend back. Like you said, and I agree.  That was a one time thing.  now next question.  I can live with that, can you?  Is there no way you can get past whatever it is bothering you about me?  And at the possibility that you cannot then I must state this.  For you to call me weak because I follow and listen to my heart.  Well, you got a good dose of my head taking over, and it isn’t pretty.  Majority of the time I can catch it before it becomes full blown, yet when I get surprised with a   shocking negative to describe me.  Well Sha, it floored me.

  Because here it is after taking me by the hand with your guidance. I first crawled, then i was able to stand.  At the start it was extremely hard to walk, and soon after I stopped wobbling and depending on you to keep me from falling. I was ready to take those steps and start walking. Not so great at first because when I felt like I was going to fall, you were there to catch me.  Then as time went on I became stronger, and stronger is what I became.  Strong enough to where I could walk on my own.  Then came the time I could run, and run with it.   I did have no worries, because if I stumbled and started to fall you were there.  If I fell, you were there to help me back to my feet and dust me off when I just didn’t seem strong enough to dust myself off.

Day became weeks, then weeks turned into months.  We never figured the months would turn into years, and before we knew it a decade had passed.  A lesbian and a flirt, who would have thought, and to top it off.  We live on opposite sides of the world.

I have always known that my lifestyle as a lesbian is not the lifestyle of the flirt I met on Tagged.com.  Thou her inner beauty will always outshine others within my eyes.  This does not lead me to believe that she and I could in any manner maintain any other kind of relationship other than the friendship we both know.  There is no want or desire to work toward or push for a romantic relationship because it just is not there.  Our love for one another is one of understanding.  Knowing the hearts of each other differently than regular friends. Regular friends just do not get us like we get each other.

You are a beautiful Stubborn SOul, and what we share is deeper than any sexual play could ever fulfill.  I know you hurt also, I know because I feel it too.  I fight a daily battle with my head, and when it wins, I lose.  I live with the fact that I am psychotic, and know how I became to be this way.  Fortunate that I am not a Psycho, yet being a psychotic has taken me years to accept that I am a product of what society has made me.  I do not expect anyone else to understand what I am.  People have left me all my life, so the pain of them leaving hurts.  Yes it does, but not enough to cripple me as it has done in my past.

Knowing that part of me.  i have learned what keeps my head in check.  It is either medicate (not with Meth) to shut my brain off or I will put myself through more torment then I will ever express to any other individual.  When I do reach that point of flipping out.  Two choices that I have. Shut my brain off by medication, or take an hour to calm down  and come back to take it out.  I may not like what is being said to me, yet knowing is better than not knowing.  Silence is deadly for me.  I know these chactorcatics of myself and feel it would be different if I knew this stuff about me and dd nothing about it, or to be back where I was when I emerged out of my parents house 29 years ago.  I did not choose to be the person I was then either, and have gone through a massive transformation to become the person I am today.  I am so much better than that person I had to lock in a cage to draw the real me out, and I call her Charlene.

By the way she wishes to thank you for allowing me to let her out while I was there. She enjoyed herself.  She was the quiet shy one, where as I am a bit more outgoing and louder. Eighteen years I lived a life I had no control over.  I did as I was told Or I was beat.  I spoke only when I was spoken to, and had no idea how to live life when I finally escaped Charlene’s.

Up until fifteen years ago, I really did not know how to take care of myself. For fourteen years of my 29 years here in Bakersfield, I lived from place to place, In my vehicle, and even had relations with people just to have a roof over my head.  That is how I came about having my daughter.  Right this moment, this is my destination, to see my daughter after not seeing her for seven years.  Last time we saw each other was when (Amanda and I)  confirmed that Delya was mine. Seven children and one adult with a giant mirror in the bathroom.   It was apparent I was Delya’s mother.

Now Kathy is another story,  She decided to adopt since she could not conceive one of her own.  Dan, her ex husband (due to the fact he went back to the drug life) and Kathy were doing well for themselves with their four adopted children. Delya being their last to  adopt. Timmy and Tommy were brothers and Amanda who was conceived in a mental institution.  Kathy brought Delya home after three days from being born.   I would meet Kathy at various places in Bakersfield .  Whether it was to eat, a park, the fertility clinic, or shopping at JCPenney. *Story A* Later on I would visit at their home.

Throughout these visits and the more we talked, I kept telling her how special Delya was and that soon she would conceive one of her own.  She didn’t believe me until that day arrived, and it did.  She gave birth to Mathew.  Now their family was complete with me signing Delya over to the Devine family.  They wished too keep Delya’s first name and knowing her last name was going to be Devine was okay with me too.  We talked about changing her middle name.  I had given Delya my mom’s middle name.  In the end after I signed Delya over to the Devine family, she became Delya Jade Devine.  Pretty name for a pretty girl.She shows the intelligence from my daddy’s side of the family.  My mom encouraged us girls in art projects, so she shows the artistic side from the women in the family. 

Bringing me back to my childhood, of following directions by doing what I was told. There came a point where I knew what was being done to me with manipulation on Micheal’s actions were wrong.  Learning that what he did to us was wrong.  That some exploration with siblings is normal, but he went to far.  I traveled the U.S.A. before I actually landed myself in jail.  I took until the year 2000 (ST. Patty’s Day) to meet Teresa (she met Delya once)*Story B* The year 1985 was when I officially took up residence in Bakersfield. For fifteen years here  I really did not know what I was doing.Thought it was what I was suppose to be doing. How could I do what I was doing if I did not know how to take care of myself?

I got educated in a career.  It paid off the  same year I had met Teresa, up until about six months before Cletas and Teresa died in the same month.   You see, because within those five years I was with Teresa, she taught me about my body.  Literary the mechanics of my body and what controlsi t (my head). Cletas taught me about the bills get taken first after the job is complete.

Then within 16 of his now 21 years, I had Jason.  My bubby, surrogate son (they called him), I just called him Boy. Respectfully- He knew that I was there for him when he would hear my Holler,”BOY”.  He would just come a running. All excited to see me.   He knew it was time for an adventure.  I put my son in the system that later persecuted me for doing the right thing.  Being a stranger in a city at age nineteen, then having a baby nine years later.  Well, I was being arrested once again.

Just when everything was loaded into a truck, someone elses truck and not my own.  Four months I served.  I listened to my 3 month, 4 month,  5 month, then 6 month old baby boy coo to me trough a plate glass window communicating only with a phone. Lee Dalton Carradine is what I named him and he knew his momma.  That was until the age of 2 12 years.  The day that tore my heart from my chest. Not knowing if he is alive or dead, or what he was named by the Stephens after that day.  Around me they called his Lee, yet around their home what did they call him? Not knowing what the Stephens named my son makes it a bit hard to track him down.  I believe they named him Tyler because I went to an eight grade graduation with a friend of mine where they did announce a Tyler Stephens. My heart raced as I to cheered this boy as he went to receive his certificate.  Then, upon exiting the stadium, I came across the same boy I cheered earlier.  Our eyes met as I came into this young man’s presence.  When his eyes pierced mine full of questions.  I could not talk with him by law if he was my son, so I just kept thinking, “In time son, In time.” Shifting my eyes away from him, They met upon the adopted mom, and at that moment all I saw was fear.  I have waited 15 1/2 years for my son to turn 18 years of age.  Knowing how rare it would be for someone to turn 18 on 11-11-11.  I thought this would make it a little bit easier for me to find him, that was now three more years gone to pass.  He is now the age of 21.

I actually thought I found him on facebook.  I have a friend on facebook by the name Tyler Stephens.  He was the only one from these parts that relocated back to the area where I originated from. He is the right age yet his birthdate is not.

Now where was I got lost in the memories of my son.  He was a good baby, he cried only when he needed something.  I was a good thing cause when he cried….He CRIED!!! He gave me purpose, that was until I could not get him back out of the system I put him in to protect him.  So there I was again. Alone again, except I did have Jason.  I not only taught Jason good morals, discipline, and love. Jason taught me the value of being loved in this life. Whether we were taking our first outing into Oildale Park and climbing into the steeple (story C), or coming over to take a bath.  He celebrated it with his laughter and joy giving me lots of hugs and kisses whenever he’d see me (story D).